This is a picture of my actual to-do list from last week. I still can’t believe it has happened. I think it was with a shaky hand that I crossed off the last item on the list.
And it did take me the whole week to do it.
I wrote the list on Monday morning. Most of the list was crossed off by Monday afternoon. But I sat and stared at that last to-do.
It’s not that item #5 was first thought of on that Monday morning. It was a decision that had come after 2 months of thinking about it and rehashing the pros and cons and doing it over again. After 2 months of attempting to return to work and failing.
I’m very relieved about leaving my job. It will be a weight lifted to not feel that someone is left hanging, waiting for me to tell them when I am feeling better and can come back. When I myself have no idea. But I would be lying if I said that’s all I felt. I did love my job. I loved my patients. It was so awesome to be helpful to someone, to have them thank you for being you. I will dreadfully miss that. I also feel a touch of fear. That I’m stepping out into the unknown, without a job.
Aside from that, it’s something I’ve done before.
My hope is that my new job will be writing. Another way I could be helpful for a community. It’s funny to me that I haven’t left my last job, officially, for a full week yet and I already have plans for my next job. I know myself well enough to know that being at home is not going to be enough. The time home alone able to rest will be nice but I do like being around people and being a PT filled that gap.
I found my job as a physical therapist very rewarding and fulfilling. I didn’t like the management issues at times but the one-on-one time with the patients was the highlight. I don’t see myself as being gone from clinical work permanently. I see a transition time where I can focus on continued avenues of healing and perhaps still helping people indirectly through writing. To bring more awareness of brain injury to the general public.
The main emphasis will be shifting away from the actual ‘going’ to work. My work will start as first being focused on me. As I am able to increase my daily function then I will focus on writing, building my portfolio, and searching for writing jobs. A type of job that I can do at my own pace, in the comfort of my own home, where I can rest during tough times and put a good effort in when I can, in chunks.
A job where I don’t need to wear shoes.
I have always had work shoes. These are sneakers that I wear only to work. When I worked in the hospital I kept my work shoes in my locker and only wore them in the hospital. Didn’t want to take work home with me in more ways than one!
When I was working in homecare I did the same thing. I had a dedicated pair of sneakers that I would change in and out of at my door.
Of course, sneakers wear out and you replace them. But I’ve always had a tradition of when I left a job I would ceremoniously toss out the sneakers. It was like a final shedding of everything that was that job. A symbolic way of saying I was leaving it all behind and starting fresh with something new.
It always made me feel uplifted and excited about what was to come. Even though the two major jobs I left (acute care after 12 years, and homecare after 2.5 years), I left without another job on the horizon, the future always looked so bright and inviting. Like anything is possible.
That’s how I see it now. The days ahead are filled with uncertainty, at the same time, also with freedom. And I can’t wait.
All this by just throwing out a pair of sneakers.
Peace and Love